codependency and realization

Codependency and realization.

It’s a thing, and it can be a beautiful thing. Well, at least the ‘realization’ portion of that phrase. When you harbor issues with codependency, and you find yourself in a toxic relationship, you will most likely have lost yourself at some point. This is why the realization stage (as I am labeling it) is important. It is one that you have to genuinely find on your own. At that point, your words and actions (no relapsing back) will flow together, for an honest healing process.

I have to accentuate that the word ‘codependent’ should not carry the stigma that it often does. For many years, I associated codependency with people who were extra clingy, overly attentive, a jealous maniac, and overtly laying out the red carpet for their significant other. What? Those people are psychotic; that’s not me! We can thank the gift of ‘slang’ for that. No. It doesn’t always have to be to that extreme. I don’t care how pretty or handsome you are, how financially sound you are, how educated you are, introverted or extroverted, it can happen to any of us; strictly on a human level.

Instead, it can be very quiet. The relationship becomes isolated from other aspects of your life. The toxic portions become your little secret; the public is probably more familiarized with your highlight reel. Every move that I made circled around the issues that the other person would bring to the table. I concentrated so much on fixing and babysitting the person that I was with, that I hardly had any time or energy left for myself. I did not always realize this was happening, though. I concentrated on being readily available, that I lost my ability to say “no,” and did not make myself available for me. Dreams and goals were at a halt., or at least frequently interrupted. Even if the person “said” they were encouraging, their contradicting actions and words tacitly contributed to my own mental paralysis. Emotional support was not nearly reciprocated. All of this, coupled with repeated forgiveness created quite the downward spiral.

It is a slow-moving process. You don’t know what you are in, until you are drowning in it. Eventually, it reaches its end. It is sneaky like that. The things we do for love, right? Meh. Love yourself. Act on these red flags in the beginning.

Even post toxic relationship demise, there is still part of you that hangs onto hope for reconciliation. After all, it was not all bad, right? Remember that one time you laughed together? Remember that one time you shared a fancy dinner? More importantly, remember how they told you they haven’t felt this way with anyone else? That is enough, isn’t it? The problem here is, the person is still being put onto a form of a pedestal, and you are not truly letting go. You are still compartmentalizing the good times and words from the big picture of the unhealthy relationship. Chances are, you are not even being respected in this fresh break-up phase. Again, love yourself enough to know that.

Here comes the joyous phase of ‘realization.’ Now, you are starting to look forward to your dreams again. Suddenly, the world is your oyster. The stress is off of your back. While you are engaged in this journey of self-love, you take a look back at the relationship. For once, without the assistance of Google, you begin to take a sincere look at the relationship for what it really was. You put that former mate into perspective and ‘realize’ that they were never on your level after all; not the other way around as you were probably made to feel. Their demons are not your responsibility. It is when you truly understand this, that you can come to terms with it all. This single life is great, isn’t it? Take this time to truly find yourself again and feel empowered, sans critique.

One last note: Don’t forget that while we tend to point fingers at the toxic people, that there is a reason that we get ourselves into these situations. We are toxic, too. Dig deep. Figure out why you are repeatedly engaging in unhealthy relationships. Not everything has to be a thrill, and if it initially feels that way, take heed. Without proper self-care, we are susceptible to repeating the cycle once more. It is also important that we do not hurriedly jump into another relationship. We attract how we feel, and the pain is still too fresh to attract the right person. If the right person does present their self, it is important to understand how to have your own life within the relationship, while simultaneously being a good partner.

Hope this resonates with someone.

Xo,

Lisa <3