abandonment.

To preface- no, this is not about me abandoning my blog since 12/22/15 <wink>. I relocated during the holidays, and it has been a little bananas up in here. Life happens to the best of us. So, here I go:

Various people have entered my life over the course of the past few years; some romantically involved, and some just as friends. I observed similiarities in how they related to myself and others. The thought-provoking part was, I found that they all seemed to have one core issue in common; even though the issue was acted out in disparate manners.

Abandonment. This can be summed up as the feeling of the loss of an emotional connection to someone that you care about. It can be recent, or it can stem from childhood. It can be abrupt, or it may have been gradual. It could have been a family member, a lover, or simply a good friend who did the deed. There is no case more severe than the other. I believe it boils down to how we have processed it. How we have dealt with it. What one person goes through is never the same experience as another. Another reason why I have always battled with blanket theories, in terms of mental health.

Depending on how you do receive it, abandonment is something that has the potential to affect you in everyday life. So, how does this play into your relationships?

Well, for starters, you probably keep your significant others at arm's length. You could be letting them in on the superficial stuff- good sex, stimulating convo, and so on. Which will be appealing, and can temporarily fuel most relationships. But what about the 'deep down' you? That place of true comfort? That intrinsic place that a rare few will touch upon? You will have a difficult time letting people in, and letting them get to know that 'deep down' you. You may even fancy relational situations where the person does not know the real you at all.

When you do find the one that does show a little intuitiveness, you run and start your own abandonment process. You begin detaching out of fear. But you get to call the shots first, right? You will not always be conscious of it, and will direct blame to other places. It has the potential to filter into another good old chase of a new flame, or frequent relationship hopping. You may even invent an indefinite decision to completely fly solo. When do you finally trust? When do you get your life partner? It is something to consider.

Then, there is the flip side of abandonment issues. As a result of your own issues, you are letting someone walk all over you, and losing your identity just to save a relationship that probably has no real future whatsoever. Abandonment issues can take that reverse role. The fear of abandonment can make you hold onto threads. It creates a ridiculous feeling of despair. It will create a false perception of what is really happening in your relationship. You will lose yourself at the hand of another. It is also a form of codependency.

Well, why do we do this? Well, at any time [and in both cases], they could abandon you. At least in your mind. Oftentimes, we are not even conscious of it. At the end of the day, our behaviors are extremely fear-based. Unless we learn to understand ourselves and heal, we will always inadvertently sabotage ourselves; which includes hurting others.

Abandonment is a deep and devastating wound, and it should be treated like so. After being abandoned, the healing process will be similar to those of the infamous stages of grief. Take the time to learn about how abandonment could have affected you and your current relationships, and take notes. Learn to trust again, and understand that not everyone will follow suit. Get into tune with your experiences, so you can have the life that you deserve. Hire a coach, start journaling, take a spiritual trip- just some suggestions.

Xoxo,

Lisa <3