a faith testimonial.

Today, I took myself to church. I had not been in a little while, and it was bugging the heck out of me. I had many excuses for why I have not been able to make it there the last few months. I was tired, I did not want to go alone, I felt too broken and like a pariah [ahem, the perfect time to go], I did not feel like shuffling the toddler around, blah, blah, and more blah! I failed to remember how important attending church was to me. For most of my life, I believed that I did not need to go to church. I even went at one point, and did not feel anything out of it. I was going FOR somebody else and not because I reached that turning point in my life. I decided, hey, I can live a "do unto others" life behind the scenes, and that is enough. Sure, that can be enough. To each, their own. When I got to a point in my life where I found my true faith, I went back to church. It was at a time that I genuinely felt I had no control over my life. However, it was also a time where I felt incredible blessings. Every time I endured hardships - whether emotional or material, it seemed that "something" was always there to come out of the woodwork to help. I had somebody to thank for that. I was beginning to understand who that somebody was. What I got out of that first 'back to church' visit was amazing. It did not have the distractions that home offered. No phones, no T.V., nothing. It was simply me, the Lord, and a community of similar folks who have also been there. Some folks appeared to have it figured out, and some folks had tragic stories that put my own to shame. The point is, people came from all walks of life. The sermons were always on time; almost in a creepy way. After I left that day, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I went in broken, and I left with filled cracks. Still visible, but filled. My broken heart was full. There was that magical feeling of hope again. I thought, "hey, I can dig this." During services, there were times I felt my walls crumbling down. There were times I was moved to tears. I am introverted, so crying in front of a bunch of strangers was a rather socially terrifying thought. I did it anyways. I knew that this was incredibly serious for me. The magic did not cease to continue. Amazing things were happening inside of me and in my life. Since that era a couple of years ago, I had moved away from that place with my favorite church. A few times at that. Church became more of an intermittent idea, and life once again began hard to understand. That glorious feeling of a downward spiral was approaching me once again. When I could not genuinely make it to church, I downloaded any helpful mobile app. My favorite was [still is] Sermon Audio. Although it was a help, it just did not feel the same. Fast forward to today, and I am feeling awakened once again. You see, I have been through some trying times the last couple of months. I got to a point where I thought I could take on the world all by myself. I started filling my plate up with more things to do, on top of the things that I needed to take care of. My feelings of self-love were decreasing, and I felt my prayers were going out into outer space. I became overwhelmed and felt like I had lost all control. It is a dark place to be. I certainly do not recommend it. Finally [ ! ], I remembered that we are not in control. How silly of me, that I got myself to this place of despair thinking I *could* control every outcome. Where was the Lisa from a couple of years ago? Why did I have knowledge of the tools, but choose to shun them or act like I did not know about them? I asked myself these questions for longer than I should have. I am sure I do not walk alone with this notion. Well, today I took action. I brought my behind back to church again. I have been to this one before. It is small, close to home, and welcoming. I was very close to coming up with another excuse, but I got dressed and showed up. There was zero excuse not to. Ready or not, there I went. Upon entering, smiling strangers reached out to give handshakes, compliments, brief discussions, and hugs. A "Dick Brown" introduced himself, and he delivered a chuckle when I responded with "hi, I'm Lisa Smith." I simply relayed that the name struggle is a real thing. How refreshing all of that was alone and services did not even start yet. Once again, the sermon was right on time. I prayed for that before I left. Maybe that was a selfish prayer, but man. Well today, it just so happened to be about how the Lord's mercy is brand new every morning. He does not keep a tally of our wrongdoings. The pastor compared it to 'rollover minutes' that come with cellular phone plans, and how great it is that He does not adhere to a 'rollover faults' plan. It was a reminder that His love is unconditional, and every day we have a chance to begin anew. He is not there to remind us of our failures. No matter what, He has our back. It was a reminder to take it out of our hands, and give Him a chance. It does not matter where we are at in life; whether we believe we have it all together, or we feel completely broken. Every wake up, we have the chance to turn it around. In the Lord's eyes, we are all equal and worthy of the blessings that life has to offer. Stop concentrating so much on what is *not* happening for you, and focus on gratitude for the blessings right under your nose. The rest will follow. No matter where you believe you are in this life, someone on the outside is looking at something that you have, wishing they had it. Open those eyes. What a humbling day. Not much to my surprise, I was supposed to be there this beautiful Sunday. Those tears were fought once again; they were saved for the car ride home. I left feeling full and ready for a clean slate. I now vow to keep my personal relationship with the Lord fresh every day. There cannot be any other alternative. Work hard, do your best, do unto others, and remember who is really in control. Whether you believe that it is the Lord or not, seek your own Higher Power. It is critical for growth. Implement both into your life, and watch your blessings unfold. Happy Sunday!

-Lisa